


To the one that you love

by Julia102



Category: The 100
Genre: Angst, Bellarke, Dramatic, Endgame, F/M, Happy Ending, One Shot, Recalled Memories, The 100 - Freeform, blame, servingyouallbecausejasonisacowerd, very emotional, void!bellamy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:21:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24632224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julia102/pseuds/Julia102
Summary: My own version of s7 really since it’s not living up. I decided to hop on the void!Bellamy trend and make it come to life with my own words.Clarke finds out Bellamy is missing and goes looking for him. She and the other’s part once she enters Bardo and that’s where she finds Bellamy.Only it’s not the Bellamy she remembers.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake and Clarke Griffin
Comments: 14
Kudos: 24





	To the one that you love

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fic ever. I’m very nervous about posting it haha.
> 
> Shout out to my friend Sara who was so nice for being the first one to read it and encouraging me to publish 🥺

There he is.

After days of them looking for him there he is. Standing right in front of her. she went from Alpha, to Nakara, to Bardo. She lost the others as soon as she entered the anomaly to go to Bardo. Wherever they were now, she was on her own.

Clarke drops dead in her steps and freezes.

He's just standing there. But he looks different. He looks like the Bellamy she knows. Pre-praimfaya Bellamy. His dark curls hang loosely over his forehead and his lower face is freshly shaven. 

She takes him in all at once, and while doing that, the air gets sucked out of her lungs. Her heart clenches and tears well up. Because this is her Bellamy.

It only takes her to take one step forward for him to wince and recoil.  
That alarms her. Why did he back away from her? 

'Bellamy...?' She breathes, desperate for contact, anything really.

At the mention of his own name the muscles in his jaw twist. With closed eyes, his neck moves stiffly to the side and then back. As if he got stung by something.   
When he opens his eyes and looks up at her there's something off.  
His eyes are darker, glassy and his dry lips are slightly parted. 

Clarke frowns. Having no clue what is up with him. It seemed like something had triggered him. It looked like he got into a different mindset when she said his name. 'Bellamy, are you okay?' 

A dry, low laugh gives her chicken pocks all over her body. 'Clarke...' he breathes in between his laugh. 'Do I look like Bellamy?' He raises his eyebrows and Clarke's throat ties to a knot.

he does. He looks like her Bellamy. The one who she called for 2199 days, the one who kept her sane for six years. 

'Oh Clarke...' He steps forward and Clarke does something she never thought she would. She takes a step back. She recoils from Bellamy. From the person she trusts the most.  
When she does he stops and smirks, but only the left corner of his mouth moves up.  
'Are you... scared Clarke?'

She swallows. Is she? 

Bellamy sighs and looks at his feet, his head cocking to the left side.  
'It's okay, I get it.'

When he looks up, she can answer his question. She is terrified. His face is ashen white and his eyes darker than ever. 

'This isn't you.' Her voice is strained and it hurts to talk. But she has to get through to him.  
His expression is blank, giving away no sign of emotion. 'Oh, it is. Maybe you just don't know me very well.'

Before she can retort something she hears a sound that gives her goosebumps. It's a gun being loaded. Her eyes shoot to his hand that's on the holster around his waist, and she was right. There's a gun in his hand.

'Bella-...'

She can't even finish the other part of his name because he pulls out his gun and points it at her.

Her breath hitches in her throat. Not because she's scared, somewhere deep inside she knows Bellamy won't shoot her. Whatever twisted thing happened to him, he's still in there somewhere. No, she's stunned by the fact that the monstrous part won. It took over, maybe not completely, but a large part of him is someone else. She can tell he's not fighting it anymore, or at least not that she can see from his physical appearance. 

'It's funny, that you came to this planet voluntary. We were actually looking for you, Clarke. But you spared us some time.'

She doesn't have time to wonder who we and us are. She quickly assumes it's the people that captured him and took control over him. 

'Now you're here. We can talk.'  
He smirks and there's something in the way he pronounced talk that makes Clarke shiver. 

All of the sudden he steps closer and before she can react he's in front of her, so close their noses almost touch. The gun hangs loosely in his hand besides his body. She can feel his breath on her face, it's cold when it used to be so warm.  
'Who are you?'  
Clarke's voice is little, quiet, barely anything more than a whisper. But he hears it, loud and clear.  
'I'm still me.' He whispers back. 'I remember you. Yeah I do.' Clarke looks up, to lock his eyes, only to find him grinning devilishly.  
'I remember some of the good stuff don't worry. The comfort, the shared trauma's.' He flaps his ear and snickers. 'But we both know it wasn't all good stuff.' His expression darkens again and his breathing stains on Clarke's cheeks. She swallows, trying to stay silent and let him talk. Because yes she's curious what Bellamy's dark side has to say about her, about them.

'No I also remember you leaving me to cope on my own after mount weather, or when you left me again after Gina died, to stay with Lexa. And there's more, you lock me up in the bunker, god you leave me to die in the fighting pits... did I forgot something?'  
His lips strike over her cheeks and Clarke forgets how to breathe for longer than she likes to admit. Having him, or not really him, so awfully close is killing her. All she wants to do is pull him close, bring him back and kill everyone who did this to him.

Then his arm moves quickly and a pained feeling shoots through her temple that goes with a loud thud. She falls over, her face digging into the dirt, along with blood seeping down her temple. She groans and tries to get up but before she can, strong hands grab her hair and yank it up. She lets out a high squeal and looks up to see Bellamy, his mouth in a thin line, his eyes narrowing.  
'But that's what Clarke Griffin does, right? She keeps on telling everyone she does it all to save her people. But who really are her people if she only abandons the ones she loves? Do you really think, she'll have anything left to fight for when her loved ones are gone? Because I don't. Your "people" mean nothing to you when me or Madi, Octavia whatever, are not part of it.' He chuckles darkly and Clarke squeezes her eyes shut. She's heard enough, he's taunting her, god, torturing her even.  
'Yet you left me to die? Hm? What was that about Clarke? Was I not part of your people anymore? Was I suddenly not enough to be saved? Then why did you go after me this time? Why bother saving me now?'  
He yanks her hair again and she let's out a cry.

'I'm sorry.' She cries. 'You are my people. I'll  
never forget it again.' She repeats her words from when they talked about this before, figuring she doesn't know what or what he does not remember. 'I care about you.' She sobs.  
Bellamy seems unfazed by her words.  
'It's not enough.' He bites through his gritted teeth.

With that he let's go of her. She drops on the ground and stays there, digging her nails into the dirt. Realizing what he said.

It's not enough. Her heart sinks. He is right. She doesn't care enough. That's why he is not back yet. He thinks of her as a monster. She can't save him, not when he remembers her like someone who left him to die. She needs to get through him. That's how she can save him. 

She looks up at him. His fists are shaking. And his tortured face is the last thing she sees before he kicks her head and she blacks out.

Bellamy hovers over her. her head is tilted to the side, her skin pale except for her right temple, where he hit her. His hands are itching to hurt her. To yank her up by her hair, to bang her head to the floor until it bleeds. There is this nagging inside his head that tells him not to. But he ignores it, his desire to hurt her dominates. So he grabs both sides of her collar, lifts her up a bit and shakes her until she wakes up. 

As her eyelids flutter open he smirks. 'There we go, you thought we were done?' 

'This isn't you.' Clarke gasps. Bellamy's lip trembles. 'It is now.'  
He brutally pulls her up by her collar, making her stand up. Then he pulls out his gun and points it directly at her forehead.  
'Give me one good reason not to shoot you right now.' His voice is so emotionless, so forced, it breaks Clarke's heart. What had become of the loving man she once admired?

'Us.' She simply says. And it scares her. It's a risk she's taking. If she tells him how she feels about him now, it can either freak him out and give him even more reason to kill her or it can break him, make him come back maybe.  
'Liar.' he steps closer, the gun almost pressing against her forehead. 'There is no us anymore. Never was.'

Clarke's heart shatters. What does he remember? 'Remember when we went on that day trip?'  
Given his still blank expression she doesn't think so. 'It was our first day on the ground where we were alone together. It was when I first saw the real you.' She would laugh at the irony if she didn't have a gun pressed to her head right now. 'The one that had been hiding behind that brave mask all the time. You were vulnerable for the first time on the ground. And then I realized, I needed you.' Again, a parallel to the exact situation they're in right now. 'I still need you.' 

He stays silent but Clarke notices his lower lip trembling, good, she's getting to him. 'Do you remember now? You sook forgiveness and I gave it to you. We came back, as a team. I trusted you.' He freezes. 'Yes! I did. I trusted you.'  
His mouth opens but nothing comes out. Not after a long moment of silence and processing. 'I want to kill you.' It terrifies her how hoarse his voice is. He's suffering, deep down. Struggling, trying to find his way back, she knows it. 'I have a fucking gun to your head!' He yells, and she notices his hand that's tightened around the gun has started shaking. 'You can't trust me anymore.' 

She smiles weakly, trying to keep her tears at bay. 'But I do.' 

He let's out a small cry and shakes his head.  
'I trust you, Bellamy. I always have.' Her heart is pounding, she needs to hurry up, she needs to get through to him. 'I trusted you after mount weather. When I left you.' His face hardens and Clarke panics the slightest, not wanting to bring that up again. 'I trusted you with our people. I knew I could leave because they had you. You'd take care of them as you always do. You save people, help them, that's what you do Bellamy. That's who you are. Whatever this is, it's not you.' 

He breaks and drops the gun, hooking his hands in his hair. 'It is!' He yells. 'It is!'  
Clarke's body jolts, it worked. She broke him. But there's still a long way from here to get him back. She kicks the gun away with her foot and fortunately he doesn't notice. 

His shoulders and chest go up and down heavily and she can hear his lungs yearning for air.  
'You remember, do you?' She says as a desperate attempt to get to him.

'Fuck you!' He screams, shutting his eyes. 

'You do, you remember me. Like, the moment at the beach? When things were bad between you and Octavia. You told me you didn't need my help, but you did. Just like now.' 

He pulls his hair and shakes his head violently. 'Shut up.' He whispers. 'Shut up, shut up.' 

And that's exactly what she doesn't do.  
'I told you the only way we would get through it, was together. Are you still with me?'

'Shut up, shut up, shut up.'

'Or our last moment on earth. Before we parted, almost for forever. I was almost going to tell you how I felt.' 

His head shoots up and he runs to her, with a scream. Pushing her down on her back with full force. The blast hurts and she groans. He's on top of her. His hands pressing to her chest, preventing her from getting enough air. 

'SHUT UP!' He screams in her face, pulling her up by her collar and dropping her again, over and over. 'I said. shut. up.'  
Clarke's head is spinning, it hurts, but not more than seeing him like this.

'You don't care about me. No, no you don't. Whatever you felt for me, it wasn't love.' 

Her heart shrinks, facing the fact that he thinks like this now. How could he ever think that, after everything they've been through. The monster that took over must've made him believe that.

'I do, I do care about you. So much. I always have. Is still do.' She says, desperately shaking her head, tears spilling from her eyes. 

'Do you? Then why am I still in control?'  
She locks his eyes, and he's right. There's still this darkness in them, there's no sign of tears anymore.  
'I almost broke you.' She blurts out and he scrunches his nose at that. 'No you didn't.' She thinks he says that more to assure himself. 'I know you're still in there.'  
He freezes when she pulls up her hand to his face. He's still lifting her from the ground by her collar but makes no attempt of dropping her. No, he let's het reach for his face.  
She cups his jaw with one hand and traces it with her thumb. He's breathing heavily and his head is moving stiffly from left to right on his neck. 

He's resisting something. She realizes. She's almost there. 

'I love you.'

Everything around them blurs, their chests and ears stop working. It's just them, staring at each other, trying to recognize one another. Bellamy tries to wrap his head around what she said. It can't be true. No, Clarke Griffin left him to die more than once. She doesn't love him.  
There's no way...

He blinks away some tears but it's hopeless, they're falling, onto Clarke's face. She gasps relieved. He's crying. It's Bellamy who's crying. It's him.

'Bell.' She sobs. Reaching for his right jaw with her other hand. His face is now cupped in her hands and he's crying. 'It's okay.' She whispers, letting her own tears spill. 

'Come back to me.' 

He closes his eyes and begins to shake his head. Clarke panics. No, no she's so close.

'Please.' She begs. 'Please come back to me.'  
He breathes in shakily through his nose, his teeth gritted, his jaw clenched.  
'I can't.' His eyes flash open. 'He's gone.'

Clarke's entire body goes numb. Her breath stocks in her throat. Her heart clenches, it hurts. Everywhere.

'No, you're lying.'  
She begins to cry. She was so close. She needs him. She needs him to fight. He will, for her.

Strength floods back in her blood, her grab around his jaw tightens. Her eyes focus on his lips. Will it work? Slowly she starts pulling his face down. When it's inches away from hers, their nose touching, each other's breath clouding their faces, that's when she stops pulling. But she doesn't loosen her grab around his jaw. On the opposite, she averts her eyes from his lips and locks his eyes. 'You're still in there.' She gasps. 'Somewhere. And I'll love that part of you forever.'  
Tears spill from his eyes. She's almost there. His freckled cheeks are stained and sticky and his face crumbles. He looks pained, he looks like Bellamy. He's coming back.  
With that thought she presses his lips on hers fiercely. He doesn't resist, he leans in with her. They merge together like honey. She makes the touch intense, making sure sparks fly up when they part for a split moment to catch their breaths. She feels electrified, finally after all this time it's his lips on hers. The ones she's yearned for for so long. And it'll  
make him come back to her. After their lips part, he'll be back. They can be together, be happy.

But the blending fades when he stops kissing her back. His mouth forms a thin line which Clarke is only leaning into. She breathes against his mouth, stopping the kiss on both sides. 'Bellamy?' The air gets knocked out of her chest when he doesn't react. He just stares blankly into her eyes. 'Like I said. He's gone.'

This feeling is one she never felt before. Not when she lost her father, not when she lost Wells, or Finn, or Lexa, or her mother. No, this is different. This is the kind of loss that's heart wrenching, it shatters in millions of pieces and she knows it'll never heal. Because he was the only one she had left. The only person she ever truly trusted, her best friend, the one who kept her centered while leading together, the one who kept her sane for six years. And now he's gone, if she's to believe this monster in front of her. But she does, because if the kiss didn't make him come back she doesn't know what will. Sobs escape her mouth when he pulls away from her. She refuses to believe him. She needs to try everything she can. She's got nothing to lose, she's willing to risk it all.

'I don't believe you.' She rasps. Her mind is spiraling, forming a solid plan. His eyes narrow. 'If you needed to kill me you would've by now. But something is preventing you to do so.'

Bellamys eyebrows stitch together. 'You're wrong.' He steps closer and Clarke doesn't recoil. 'I want you to suffer before you die. Like I've suffered.' He jumps to the ground, grabs the gun Clarke didn't kick far away and points it at her. But she is far away from scared. This is her only shot of getting him back. 

'Do it.' She says, her teeth clashing together. 'Pull the trigger. Kill me.'  
He lowers his gun and moves even closer to her. With a fast motion he strangles his arm around her neck and falls down with her on top of him.

'Before you die, you suffer a bit more.' He grins. Clarke let's it all happen. It's all part of her plan. Let's hope it works or they're both screwed. His arm tightens around her throat and her lungs start screaming for air. He doesn't let go until she feels her limbs go numb and black stains appear in front of her eyes. When his grip loosens her lungs burn for air and they suck in a large amount before he moves on top of her. This time his hands grab her throat tightly and he does the same thing. Holds on until she almost blacks out. Over and over again just not enough to kill her.  
She has to endure it, wait for her plan to play out. Once he's put in the situation to actually kill her she'll see if it works. 

'Do you feel it Clarke?' He asks, as he's strangling her. 'Do you feel the life getting sucked out of you?'  
He smirks at her purple face. 'It's weird right? Don't worry, I know how it feels. They did it with me too, you know, when you were too late to come here. I was here for a week and they tortured me. You weren't there.'  
His grab tightens and Clarke sees dark spots again. But she couldn't care less. Even though he's killing her right now, her heart goes out for him. And she hates herself for what happened. He is right, she wasn't there.  
'I'm sorry.' She rasps and he let's go. She gasps for air and this time he gives her a little longer.  
'Sorry is not enough. It's too late. Sorry won't bring me back. But that's okay, nothing will anyways.' He smirks and is reaching for her throat again. Only this time he stops halfway in the air. 'I'm getting bored of this.' He takes a serious look at her. 'You've suffered enough, almost as much as me.' 

He pulls her up, it surprises she's still able to stand on her legs. When he pulls out the gun she doesn't even flinch. She lifts her chin a bit even though it hurts her throat that's now stained with purple bruises in the shape of his hands.  
'Just get it over with.' She says with her raw voice.  
'I will.' He lifts the gun and again presses it to her forehead.  
They stare in each others eyes and this is it. This is the moment Clarke has been waiting for. Either she's going to die or she'll get him back. She's never taken this much of a risk in her life. Not with mount weather, not at the radiation tower, not when she and Madi escaped Polis. Not ever.

'Any last words?' He simply asks.

Clarke's stomach turns. She'd never expected anyone ever saying that to her. Especially not Bellamy.

That's why she'd never really thought of it. What would be her last words? Although she’s pretty confident her plan will work, it can always take a turn. It can also not work. She needs to prepare for that

It seems like thinks the same because he scoffs. 'Oh come on, the great Wanheda must have some epic last words, right?' He cocks his head to the side. 'God, I can imagine you having an entire speech!' 

Clarke simply shakes her head. 'I don't.'  
Bellamy snickers. 'I don't. Great last words.'  
His finger tightens around the trigger. 

'I love you, Bellamy. Every part of you.'

The bullet she was expecting doesn't come. He just stares at her. 'That's pathetic.' He snars. 'How can you ever love a monster? Because that's a part of me now.' 

Clarke smiles lightly. 'Because that isn't you.'  
She steps closer and Bellamy dangerously turns the gun a bit. 'This is.' Her arm stretches and her hand lands on a specific place in his chest, his heart.

'It's your mind taking over your heart Bell. Remember?' She smiles again. 'But that's supposed to be me. The head and the heart?' 

Bellamy's eyes grow wide and he squeezes them shut almost immediately. As if there's an upcoming headache.  
'But if you need to kill me. Do it.'  
She spreads her arms and bends forward so the gun pushes against her head. 'I'm right here.' She says lightly. 

'The head and the heart.' He whispers, his eyes avert and he seems to grow distant.

'Yes! Do you remember that? What we had?'  
Again, his eyes flutter shut and he shakes his head. 'I don't want to.' He whispers and his head circles on his neck.  
'Then kill me.'  
His eyes shoot open and he locks hers. There's something different, they look less scary, less dark. 'I can't.' His voice is at least an octave higher than usual and his lower lip wobbles, tears threaten to fall.

She wants to say something but he shakes his head. 'I can't!' He yells in defeat. All of the sudden not only his lips are trembling. It's his hand around the gun too, shaking violently, and his legs. His whole body is jolting. He drops the gun and falls on his knees. Still shaking violently. Clarke wants to reach for him but he falls on the ground before she can. His body shaking uncontrollably. Clarke gasps and just watches. Her heart is beating a mile a minute. She thinks of things to do but before she can actually pursue them the shaking has stopped. Now he's just laying there motionless on the ground. His lips parted slightly. His face still ashen white, his eyes still hallow. He doesn't look any different, just less violent. He looks peaceful.

Clarke crashes down on her knees next to him, her hands floating in the air above his body, not sure what to do. 'Bellamy...?' She asks hesitantly. He doesn't respond. Immediately Clarke goes to check his pulse, it's still there, a little faster than usual but it's there.  
Her hand moves to his jaw as she strikes his clammy, sweaty hair out of his face. 'Bellamy?' She calls again. This time his mouth closes and opens again as if he's trying to say something. Clarke's heart jumps.  
His eyes flutter open halfway. 'Clar...'  
'Oh.' She let's out. broken, relieved sob and nods, smiling through her tears.  
'Hey...' she sniffles, cupping his face. Bellamy's eyes open entirely and he takes her in. His pupils grow wide and he looks terrified. 'What happend?'  
Clarke is too relieved to answer, she cries her eyes out and swings her arms around his neck. 'Is it really you?' She cries. He nods as he takes in the embrace. 

When he sees the gun and the blood laying there on the ground, all his memories come flooding back all at once. 'Did I...' His breath heaves and Clarke can sense the panic attack before it fully seizes him.  
'Sshhh.' She leaves the embrace, cups his face and looks him straight in the eye. 'It's okay. I'm okay. You're okay. We made it. You're back.'  
He swallows and looks down. 'You said, you loved me?'  
Clarke's breath hitches. When he looks up she slowly nods. 'I do.'  
Bellamy smiles as tears spill from his eyes. His hand reaches dir her sore throat and cautiously trace the marks, then they move to her hair and he caresses it until his hand lands on her cheek. 

'I love you too Clarke Griffin.'

Their mouths meet, and this time it's him. Really him.


End file.
